Have you ever tried changing others and they just won’t change? We try influencing them to make changes in what they’re saying or doing and they won’t change. Why would that be?
We often think we can change others when we’re not okay with what they are or aren’t doing. Think of trying to change someone in your life. Maybe we try getting our spouse to change an annoying habit. Maybe we’re getting our children to cut out junk food. Maybe we’re continually trying to get our friend to be on time. No matter how hard we try, they don’t change.
Changes for other people aren’t as easy to make as we think they are.
Let’s look at our motivation for trying to change people in the first place. Consider these two possible reasons:
1. We can’t handle what they’re doing. For example, we’re going out for lunch with our friend and they’re late again. We find it really hard to sit alone waiting for them. Totally upset and frustrated we leave the restaurant. We’re going to talk with them about changing or we won’t go for lunch with them.
2. We think what they’re doing reflects badly on us. For example, we think our spouse has a sick sense of humor and it embarrasses us when they’re trying to be humorous out in public. As soon as people start staring and making faces we do what we can to slip away and hide. As soon as we get into the vehicle with our spouse we try to make them feel bad for what they did.
Have you ever experienced something like that? I know I have!
It has been my experience that we think other people have a problem and put our efforts towards doing what we can to find their solution. We want them to change so the problem goes away leaving us to feel at peace inside. That may not be the case!
Consider this…we’re looking to others to make changes, when in fact we’re the ones who have the mental and emotional unrest inside related to what they are or aren’t doing. Because it’s inside of us, we’re the ones who can resolve that unrest leaving us in a place where we no longer react like we did.
When it comes to change, not everyone lives from a place of having a desire to change. They don’t change because they don’t know differently. It’s kind of like a fish in water. Until we take the fish out of water it doesn’t know that there’s a difference or that change is possible.
Changing is hard enough, let alone changing when we think we don’t need to. That can be like pushing a bus uphill. It’s up to us to accept others where they’re at…that they don’t need to change.
Give this a thought. Instead of putting our attention and efforts towards trying to ‘make’ others change…we allow ourselves the grace to know that we can be the ones to change inside of ourselves. It takes our own grace and awareness and is much more rewarding for us.
That’s why I love the work I do. I’m blessed to be able to guide people to heal and resolve conflict inside without needing to change others around them. They deal with their mental and emotional unrest first and then relate to others in a new empowering way.
In my best-selling book, Relatefully, I talk more about changing and fixing others. You may enjoy reading about that and so much more.
Wherever you are on your journey, may you find your own truth…find what works for you… And you’ll always be guided to feel at peace inside.
Sheila Unique, Emotional Intelligence Specialist
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