parent

A lady I know put forward this question to me, ‘What would you do if someone looks at you and says “you don’t care about me anymore?” The first thought I shared with her was, ‘when we have no fear around whatever is happening for that person, we can just be in the place of total acceptance of whatever is in that moment. That is one of the most empowering places to be…there is nothing to change or fix!’

What is it to care about someone? Do we have anything attached to those words? Consider this….if we do or don’t do things for others is that an expression of caring or an expression of our love for them?

Allow me to give you an example of what this may look like. A parent has a teenager who seems to be getting involved with some friends that aren’t very nice…they bully the teenager. The parent tries everything in their power to educate and protect the teenager through their involvement. Yet the teenager continues to interact with the bullies.

One day the parent starts to notice the parent is feeling different on the inside. The feelings come with a sense of letting go and feeling acceptance in all that is being given to ‘move through’ for them self and everyone around them. The parent views the situation with the teenager differently. The parent recognizes there is no need to rescue or jump in to save the teenager seeing this as an opportunity for the teenager to learn on their own. The parent stands back coming more from a place of ‘observing’ rather than trying to get the teenager to change. The change in the parent can cause all kinds of different feelings to surface in both the parent and the teenager. The teenager may voice the change as ‘not caring’ about them. Is it about not caring…or is standing back an expression of love that surfaces once the feelings of fear or guilt are gone?

When it comes to all our relationships, there may be times when we may do things for others because of how we feel in those moments. If we constantly remind people so they don’t forget things, what are we doing? Do we know what it feels like to forget and we don’t want people to feel that way? Are we holding those people in a place where they can’t remember for themselves? If that changed, do you think the people involved would notice?

What about relationships where people try to make others feel guilty so they get what they want? Making others feel guilty may ‘get others’ to do things and may only work for a short time! What if all of a sudden one day…using the ‘guilt trip’ doesn’t work? Do you think that could change the dynamics in the relationship?

For all relationships….consider this…do we do things for others out of fear…or maybe the need to be liked? Do we shut down conflict for others because we don’t feel ‘they’ can handle it? Do we pay for others meals or things because we don’t feel they can pay for it? How does that serve us? These are just some of the dynamics that can be played out in relationships. Does that bring up anything for you? This is about awareness… about being mindful of our actions.

The lady I was talking about at the beginning happened to be on facebook after we had that conversation about not caring. She saw this posting. I thought you may enjoy this story expressed by Katie….

“Who would you be in people’s presence without, for example, the story that anyone should care about you, ever? You would be love itself. When you believe the myth that people should care, you’re too needy to care about people or about yourself. The experience of love can’t come from anyone else; it can come only from inside you.

I was once walking in the desert with a man who began to have a stroke. We sat down, and he said, “Oh my God, I’m dying. DO something!” He was talking through one side of his mouth because the other side had become paralyzed. What I did was just sit there beside him, loving him, looking into his eyes, knowing that we were miles from a phone or car. He said, “You don’t even care, do you?” I said, “No.” And through his tears, he started to laugh, and I did, too. And eventually his faculties returned; the stroke had come to pass, not to stay. This is the power of love. I wouldn’t leave him for a caring.

If you move into situations of loss in a spirit of surrender to what is, all you experience is a profound sweetness and an excitement about what can come out of the apparent loss. And once you question the mind, once the stressful story is seen for what it is, there’s nothing you can do to make it hurt. You see the worst loss you’ve experienced is the greatest gift you can have. When the story arises again – “She shouldn’t have died” or “He shouldn’t have left” – it’s experienced with a little humor, a little joy. Life is joy, and if you understand the illusion arising, you understand that it’s you arising, as joy.

What does compassion look like? At a funeral, just eat the cake! You don’t have to know what to do. It’s revealed to you.” – Katie heart emoticon

I myself have heard that expression, ‘pain or sickness is not here to stay…it has come to pass.’ You can put any word you like in front of that expression. Those words can be very empowering at different times in our life!

May you find what works for you…find your own truth…and you will always be guided to feel at peace inside.

Sheila Unique, Relationship Coach Gifted Intuitive

In relationships, we are most effective in communicating when we are aware of our feelings and our position of where we are coming from.

When it comes to relationships, I appreciate many elements come into play and it can get pretty lengthy for me to include examples of all the different relationship scenarios. To stay focused, I will only be referencing one group….the group of parents and adult children.

I was inspired to use this example of an amazing lady who shared this story in a meeting the other day. This lady has an adult daughter who wanted to talk about a challenge she had. Before going further in the conversation, this lady, as the mom asked her daughter, ‘do you want me to come from a place of being a coach, guiding you; do you want me to come from a place of being your mom, sharing what I think, or do you want me to come from a place of being a friend, cheering you on no matter what you decide?’ When I heard this story, I personally thought that was a brilliant way of opening her conversation with her daughter!

For parents with adult children, when parents are aware of their position of where they are coming from in conversations, there can be much learning and growing for everyone involved. In conversations where the adult child has a challenge, the sharing is about the adult child and what they decide based on what is right for them.

Using this example above, two things can happen:

By the parent asking the adult child those questions, the adult child is now in a place of ‘feeling’ what they need in that moment! They are in the position of asking for what they really want from their parents. What a great way to encourage that child to go inside themselves and feel what is right for them. Do they need a friend? Do they want some guidance to handle something they find hard to deal with? Do they just want to hear everything will be okay? The responsibility is on the adult child to communicate what they need or want.
The parent knows what the adult child is really looking for! How freeing can that be for parents! When parents ask their children what they need in that moment, communication becomes about supporting and respecting the child as an adult and an individual.

Is there a magic age when parents just listen to challenges their children have without telling them what to do? Is there is a magic age when children start to think for themselves? If you have adult children…what have you experienced? Awareness opens the door for more effective communication.

Is it easy for parents to watch their children go through challenging situations? Maybe, maybe not! If I may share, whether children are very young or adults, every person, thing or situation that shows up in their life is there for that child as a potential opportunity for them to learn and grow. In those moments of learning and growing…parents can be there as guides or mentors.

Sheila Unique, Relationship Coach

You Don’t Care Anymore

Effective Communication

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